Catching Up & Letting Go

It has been over a year since I have done this and I honestly do not know where the time has gone. So much has changed in this short period of time. First of all, I changed universities and my hair color...more than once. I've been hated by a few but loved by so many more. I've nearly lost the two people who mean the most to me, but don't worry, I got them back. I've been to more doctors appointments than any twenty-one year old girl should, but I'm alive and kicking. I'm just covered with more Aspercreme & pain medicine than I'd like.  My two best friends are both engaged to their guys and have weddings coming up next year. My man finished his schooling and became an official firefighter/emt. I've started teaching Sunday school at my church, and have taken 25 credit hours of classes in 5 months time. Needless to say, I'm tired. I'm tired of change, negative change anyway. I'm ready for positive change in my future, my future that is filled with words like graduation, moving, happiness, and secureness. Everything is so close, but still a little too far away for me to grasp it. If anything, I've felt insecure lately. I have my reasons, but I also know there is nothing I can do about it, so why worry? I can look at the things that have happened to me and my family this past year and I can either cry about it, or I can take in my hands, ball it up, and smash it against a wall. I choose the later because I like smashing things. It just comes natural I guess. But as I have this pity party about how the world is out to get me, I am watching old reruns of Army Wives on Netflix. I ask you, what's an emotional girl like me with her man all the way in Texas doing watching a show about men leaving their wives and dying? God help me. As I'm bawling my eyes out over Trevor deploying and leaving poor Roxy, I realize that there are bigger things in this world. Yes, the man I love may be 1400 miles away and I don't see him for months at a time. And sure, I worry about him getting hurt on the job all the time. Then there are the times when I lay in bed crying because my joints ache so bad and I just want it to go away, or that I dwell on the pain in my heart for what could happen to my family or what did happen in the past. But none of that makes any of it go away. Just like crying over Trevor won't make him come back to Roxy. You know, I feel a kinship between me and women like that, always saying goodbye and waiting for the days it'll finally be over. But then I really can't relate my life to theirs. They have a constant worry and will sometimes go weeks or months without hearing their husband's voice. It's chilling to even think about. 

So where am I going with this? So much can change in a year. Your entire life can be shattered piece by piece, but it's up to you not to let it destroy you. Your bigger and better than any trouble you face, even if you seem so small. I'm a small girl, the scale and my doctor will be the first to tell you, but I'm also big. I have a big heart for anyone who will receive it, I have a sense of will that I won't let long distance or aches take from me, and I also have a strong determination to not let something a person who is worth nothing to me destroy my happiness. Whether that person is a judge or a woman who really needs to learn self respect and morals. Either way I am bigger and stronger than I was a year ago, and I'm proud of that. So if it were up to me, I would tell you to take one for the team every now and then because it is coming sooner or later. Just be sure to smash that ball and maybe even the pitcher when it is all said and done, because in the end it will make you stronger. 

Well, hopefully next time I write, we won't have so much to catch up on, but until then, I can only tell you one thing I've learned from this year or tragedy, love your heart out. In hindsight, love is the only thing that keeps most of going, and Chris and my family are the ones who keep me going, and to them, I am so very grateful. 

If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away

Spring is here, and that means beach season for me has begun. Daytona Beach is where I spent my Easter weekend and it could not have been more relaxing. It gave me time to escape the real world, get lost in a book, and indulge in all you can eat shrimp. However, in between the reading and eating, I quickly became aware of the real reason of my trip, celebrating Jesus and his eternal life. Now after a few chats with him, I realized my eternal life as well, by his side. I started to wonder what heaven is like and if my eternal life will be spent with Chris just as we spend our lives together here. I wonder if my daddy gets to BBQ on the weekends, or if people like Cole Thomas and Randall, whose lives got taken way too early, get to grow old with someone. So many questions and so little answers, but that is where my faith steps in. I have faith that not only heaven is perfect, it takes away our faults and imperfections as well. It gives you opportunities and love you never could have imagined. It does not judge your makeup or your clothes, like so many here do. It does not lie or cheat, it is a faithful place. All these things are so reassuring, but one fault I found with heaven is it is simply too far away. I would love to be able to get in my car, take a day trip, and have one last conversation with those I've lost. Meet Jesus face to face, even though I know one day I will. And get a glimpse of a kind of perfection one can't even begin grasp.
The world we live in can be so ugly sometimes, and it is really heartbreaking for me to accept that. People are so quick to judge others, so quick to put others down. But I just remember Jesus and his hand reaching down, always willing to help you back up. Heaven may be far away, but He is unfailing and always there.
If it were up to me, I would remind everyone that our world may never be as pure as heaven, but we can do our part to make it better. Give encouragement to others who are down, tell someone they are beautiful, and most importantly spread the love of God. Love never fails.

50/50

Everyone has their own perspective, or their own way you look at things. Sometimes, I think, we look too closely and we can never truly see this big picture in its entirety. Sometimes, we focus too much on the small things that don't matter and dwell on the negatives. Not following? I'll give you an example I believe we are all guilty of at one point or another. Just think, do you ever realize how much we can get so wrapped up in thinking we are always right that we end up fighting with the ones we love the most? We take out our anger on them not because they are to blame, but because deep down we know they will never leave us. So my question is, why do we do this? Sometimes I think that we set expectations too high, and when things don't live up to them we get upset. When I say we, I mainly mean me, but I'm hoping someone out there can relate.
Lately I have done a lot of praying about love. I have also been doing a lot of reading about love, and finally, I have been doing a lot of fighting with love. I have been trying to get my own perspective on the love I have and through those three things, I began to realize some of the most important aspects of love have been staring me in the face for a very long time.

Every day I find ways to thank God for allowing me to find love. I know I am blessed and have more experience in the subject that others my age long for. However, I also know that no matter how long one is in a relationship, there is always more to learn. So when it came to learning more about love through prayer, the one thing that stood out most was to love you significant other not for their purities but for their faults as well. Their faults is what makes them perfect, and their foolishness is what makes them their own. I think of it like this, everyone has a past or things they wouldn't exactly put on a resume if asked. Those are the things not to be ashamed of but to look at and say, "I have moved past that, I have grown, I have learned, and I have become 'me' out of that. And that 'me' is the person you fell in love with, they wouldn't be the 'me' you love if they have not gone through that, so, love them for it. Love their faults and they will love yours.

If I learned anything from the books I have been reading, it would be that when it comes to a relationship, everything needs to be 50/50. There is always going to be something that your partner loves and can't get enough of, it may be a sport, a hobby, or an awful movie they watch over and over. But these are the quirky things that you need to accept and realize they mean something to your love, and even though they don't mean the same to you, you should let go and enjoy those things with him. Be selfless, and that same respect should be reciprocated toward you as well.
Also, a key word that I kept seeing page after page is...LISTEN. Stop talking, stop over analyzing, stop everything. Hear what your love is telling you and let them say what they need to say. Listen to what they are saying but not only that, truly hear it. Sometimes that is all a person needs.

Now, the things I have come to recognize about love through my own personal experience is something as simple as this: stop fighting and start laughing. Yes, I said laughing. How silly right? Laughter happens usually on a daily basis yet we rarely think of the effect it has on us. Laughter is what brings people up, it makes the world seem perfect even if it was just for a second. And when you take that laughter and bring it together with someone you love, it goes from being perfect to magical. Being able to be comfortable and have fun with your partner is the best advice anyone can give.

If it were up to me, I would hope that if anything you will remember this. When it comes to the small things, let them go. When it comes to fights, talk them out, communication never killed anyone, right? When it comes to the one you love most, don't take them for granted, laugh with them. Do things they love, and share the things you love with them. Love them to the fullest and respect them. Love their flaws and they will love yours. Do these things my friends, and never let them go.

Is That What They Call Success These Days?

Have you ever thought of the thing you were born to do? Some think their purpose is sought out through their jobs and others will say it's to be a mother or a father. I believe God gives everyone a purpose and it took me a while to find mine. Over time, however, I realized that my reason in life was something as simple as giving my love. I am meant to give my love to Chris, my family, and the family Chris and I will create on our own. I also have a strong love for life and the small things in it. I take the time to notice things that people often pass up and I will open my heart to anyone who opens their's me.
When I think of a perfect life for myself, it would include being able to stay home to take care of my future family and spend every minute with my husband. I would use my gift from God to share my love with my future children and give them an honest example of love through Chris and myself. I would also like to fill my days up with my love of reading and writing. Wouldn't life be so much more special if we could use our time focusing on the things we love to do rather than on what we have to do? This brings me to my next question, if I am doing what I love and do not get a college degree for it, would that make me any less successful? If I quit college right now and decided to start a family and try and write on my own, society would not take me seriously. Who will ever give a job to a writer without a college degree? To the world, sometimes, we are not even seen as individuals, we are seen a pieces of paper with lists of work experience, degrees, and contact information. If you have not caught on, I am both saddened and disturbed by this. Who has the right to determine how successful or meaningful my life is because of what I can put on a resume? I believe that knowledge is power and I am eager to learn anything you put in front of me, but does that mean that the knowledge I receive has to come from a science book dated back from 1952? I know some people are passing up what they truly love in order to work in jobs they hate in order to earn the money that society considers stable and appropriate. Of course everyone wants to have a stable economic status but would you do something you hate in order to receive it?
I do want you to know, however, that I am not bashing college and the opportunities it brings. I am currently enrolled and I am thankful to even have the chance to go at all.What I am saying is this, why must we have to go to college in order to determined as "educated" or "important" by people who don't even matter to us? If it were up to me, I would take us back to the time where if you had a gift that you were passionate about persuing, you would go for it. No questions asked. In my eyes it does not make you a lesser person for doing what you know what you were meant to do, and you should never fight your gut on such things. You know what you're here for, do it.

Kindness is Love With It's Work Boots On

In your own words, how would you describe kindness? Is the way a person showers another with praise? Gifts? Showing random acts of giving back and care? I think there are different branches of kindness that everyone is capable of giving to others. In the simple quote to the left, it reads, "kindness is love with its work boots on." That sounds simple enough, right? To be kind to one another?. If it sounds simple, then why is it so hard to put into action?
The simplest way I can break this down is, if you want to receive kindness, give it. A lot of it. Doesn't this go back to the golden rule we were all taught in kindergarten? I am nearly twenty years old and forget it sometimes. However, I personally I will try to be as kind as possible to every person I come in contact to that day. I may not always succeed, depending on the day I'm having, but to have this goal in my mind at all times is a start.
It seems to me that sometimes we do not realize the impact we can make on others through our kind gestures and that is something I would like to put a spark back into. Start by giving a compliment to a stranger who has the cute dress on, or spark up a conversation with the person at the table next you who is reading a book you've once read. Or maybe, if its possible, don't give the cute old grandpa who can't drive the finger after he pulls out in front of you. If one thing in this world bothers me, it's being rude to older people. DON'T DO IT! So, if it were up to me, I think we should all show a little more kindness to one another. Be respectful, be compassionate, and most of all, be genuine about it. This is short, sweet, and to the point: What you give you shall receive.

Lonely girl 101

It's after midnight and sleep has yet to make its way anywhere near my bedroom. Maybe it is from the excitement from today? Or the laughter? Maybe the overwhelming sadness that crept up mid-afternoon? Or maybe it's the fact that I have so much to say and not too many people to listen. All of these things play a role in my lack of sleep, but the last one really nails the target.
Lately, reality has kind of been a huge slap in the face. I have maybe three honest-to-goodness best girlfriends in this world. That is such a precious thing and I am so blessed to have all of these ladies in my life. However, one of them doesn't live in the same state and therefore I haven't seen her in nearly two years, and the second one moved away for college.
So if you haven't caught on, that leaves me with one friend whom I see maybe once or twice...a month...and empty and somewhat lonely heart that misses her friends dearly. Is it just me or am I the only college girl to feel this way? Everyone moves away after high school and I'm the cool kid who decided to stay at home. I know myself way to well to think I would actually enjoy living in a big city to go to college, but I hate the fact that my social life is dwindling.
But to get one thing straight, I am not a hermit, I am not rude or unapproachable, and I am not the type of person to turn down a new face. I am the type of person, on the other hand, to take in new friends with open arms and an all-around people person. SO, why is it so stinkin' hard for me to make new friends? To give me the benefit of the doubt, community college isn't exactly a gathering place for new people and I usually will get stuck in classes with fifty year olds who always tend to sit in the front row and insist on asking a hundred questions in one class. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that maybe now is not the time for new friends to come into my life. Why? I don't know, but I do know that God sends you the right friends at the right time. To me, the more you pray about it and the more you let God into your life, the more comfort and blessings he lets into yours. Friendship to me is something extremely special and shouldn't be taken lightly. No flaking, no lying, and no behind the back girl stuff. (I see way too much of that in other people's lives and it breaks my heart.)
Now, I know I have done a lot of complaining about my sad, lonely life...BUT, I am going to end this by saying that no matter where they live, I am blessed to have friendships with ladies that I can trust completely and who love me for being myself. Not everyone can say that they have three lifelong friendships like I do. So if it were up to me, I would like to say a prayer for all of you fellow college girls who feel lonely or lost without your best friend by your side. It is a scary time that we are all going through and it makes it twenty times worse when you don't have someone to go through this with. But don't worry, there is a person out there feeling the same way as you and when the time is right, that person will walk into your life, promise. 

Happy-Ville

Here I am, in bed, T.V. on mute, chocolate chip cookies in the oven, and my sick dog curled up beside me...my life. Life is something I have yet to figure out and don't think I ever fully will. It is amazing to me how someone can go from sadness and stress to pure joy in a matter of seconds. And even how small things, good or bad, can either make your day or get in the way of your happiness (if you let it). I think the way we handle different situations says a lot about us and our character. In the past month or so, I have had a few ups and downs and found myself piled under tons of stress. To break this down for you, about 90 percent of the stress was associated with school. Boo. Even so, I cannot tell you enough how excited I am about becoming a teacher, I know I am doing the right thing with my life, but the process of getting there is a pain. A BIG pain! Why can't college be more like high school? No restrictions on what classes you have to take or when you have to take them. The whole thing doesn't make much sense to me. The thing I am most having trouble with is the fact that I have to take a total of five math classes. FIVE! I want to teach English for crying out loud! Plus, I hate math and to be honest, I suck at it. But through all this stress and worry, I thankfully got to take a short break from reality and venture away to my hometown for a few days. YES, the switch was flipped and here I am in happy-ville. Isn't it funny how being in a different place or having the comfort of being around your family can take your mind so far away from everyday stress that it is almost nonexistent? Well it was something I needed and I was trying to soak up every minute of it. I came into town because my future sister-in-law was finally marrying the love of her life. Let me tell you, it was a perfect weekend for those two, and nothing makes me happier than to hear the vows of two people who love each other. It is those types of moments in life we should all live for. You know what I mean? Those moments where you are truly happy, yourself, and have that embarrassing, goofy grin on your face that you couldn't hide if you tried. That was me, as I sat in the second row witnessing two people who made a committment to spend their lives together, sitting in between my mom and my aunt, and sneaking looks at Chris who was standing amongst the rest of the grooms men. Perfection. So, if it were up to me, I would send all of my readers on a weekend vacation. Go to the place where you feel most content. Surround yourself with the friends and family who love you for you. And most importantly, don't let the things you can't control take over your life...your time and happiness is much too important to waste it on a thing like worry.