It has been over a year since I have done this and I honestly do not know where the time has gone. So much has changed in this short period of time. First of all, I changed universities and my hair color...more than once. I've been hated by a few but loved by so many more. I've nearly lost the two people who mean the most to me, but don't worry, I got them back. I've been to more doctors appointments than any twenty-one year old girl should, but I'm alive and kicking. I'm just covered with more Aspercreme & pain medicine than I'd like. My two best friends are both engaged to their guys and have weddings coming up next year. My man finished his schooling and became an official firefighter/emt. I've started teaching Sunday school at my church, and have taken 25 credit hours of classes in 5 months time. Needless to say, I'm tired. I'm tired of change, negative change anyway. I'm ready for positive change in my future, my future that is filled with words like graduation, moving, happiness, and secureness. Everything is so close, but still a little too far away for me to grasp it. If anything, I've felt insecure lately. I have my reasons, but I also know there is nothing I can do about it, so why worry? I can look at the things that have happened to me and my family this past year and I can either cry about it, or I can take in my hands, ball it up, and smash it against a wall. I choose the later because I like smashing things. It just comes natural I guess. But as I have this pity party about how the world is out to get me, I am watching old reruns of Army Wives on Netflix. I ask you, what's an emotional girl like me with her man all the way in Texas doing watching a show about men leaving their wives and dying? God help me. As I'm bawling my eyes out over Trevor deploying and leaving poor Roxy, I realize that there are bigger things in this world. Yes, the man I love may be 1400 miles away and I don't see him for months at a time. And sure, I worry about him getting hurt on the job all the time. Then there are the times when I lay in bed crying because my joints ache so bad and I just want it to go away, or that I dwell on the pain in my heart for what could happen to my family or what did happen in the past. But none of that makes any of it go away. Just like crying over Trevor won't make him come back to Roxy. You know, I feel a kinship between me and women like that, always saying goodbye and waiting for the days it'll finally be over. But then I really can't relate my life to theirs. They have a constant worry and will sometimes go weeks or months without hearing their husband's voice. It's chilling to even think about.
So where am I going with this? So much can change in a year. Your entire life can be shattered piece by piece, but it's up to you not to let it destroy you. Your bigger and better than any trouble you face, even if you seem so small. I'm a small girl, the scale and my doctor will be the first to tell you, but I'm also big. I have a big heart for anyone who will receive it, I have a sense of will that I won't let long distance or aches take from me, and I also have a strong determination to not let something a person who is worth nothing to me destroy my happiness. Whether that person is a judge or a woman who really needs to learn self respect and morals. Either way I am bigger and stronger than I was a year ago, and I'm proud of that. So if it were up to me, I would tell you to take one for the team every now and then because it is coming sooner or later. Just be sure to smash that ball and maybe even the pitcher when it is all said and done, because in the end it will make you stronger.
Well, hopefully next time I write, we won't have so much to catch up on, but until then, I can only tell you one thing I've learned from this year or tragedy, love your heart out. In hindsight, love is the only thing that keeps most of going, and Chris and my family are the ones who keep me going, and to them, I am so very grateful.
